And now, a message from Fidel Comcastroll:
Life is a precious gift. It’s a shame to see anyone squander great opportunity, even capitalist pigs like Tom Brady. Brady plays for the perennial powerhouse, the New England Patriots, and courageously slays weak kneed competition without pity or remorse. They’re led by the wily Bill Belichick, one of the few American wretches worthy of the title “comrade.”
So, watching the controversy surrounding deflategate unfold breaks my heart. Investigators from the grand American opiate known as the NFL determined that Mr. Brady deflated footballs in order to improve his pass completion rates. This violated the league’s minimum PSI requirements. Brady faces a possible one year suspension for his activities.
Winning is the only thing that matters. Our forefathers slew animals, savage tribal hordes, and bent nature to their will in order to pave the way for us today. Were it not for the willingness to do what was necessary to win, we would not be here today. Mr. Brady demonstrated a commitment to victory. The score anyone remembers is who bit it and who fed it.
Then, during the first half of the AFC Championship Game, Brady threw an interception to Colts linebacker, D’Qwell Jackson, who then gave the ball to an equipment manager. The equipment manager suspected that the ball was underinflated and sparked the whole investigation.
This brings us to our first two missed opportunities: First, Mr. Brady had ample opportunity to take out a contract on D’Qwell Jackson’s head. For the low price of a few thousand dollars, there are literally dozens of highly trained, professional assassins capable of removing Jackson. Although Jackson did nothing wrong, per se, the message resonates. Any threat will be eliminated with all due force.
Second, the equipment manager was the one to report the violation to the NFL. A glorious death in the field of battle awaits all who fight for a greater purpose. We conquerors fear one thing above death: an inglorious defeat. It’s one thing to lose the good fight. It’s nothing to be assassinated by your mistress in your sleep. An NFL equipment manager isn’t even an NFL team’s whore. They’re like a squire for a knight. They’re peasants. Brady was taken down by a peasant.
The fact that that man is still counted among the living is a total breakdown of the Patriots system. We respect those who destroy their enemies totally. This equipment manager’s tongue should be on Tom Brady’s diamond necklace as a trophy demonstrating that no man will ever testify against him. The manager’s fingers should have been force fed down his throat. Liquid metal should have been poured in his eyes so that his unworthy vision would never gaze upon the greatness of a conqueror ever again.
Yet, Mr. Brady did nothing to defend himself. He permitted the NFL to perform its investigation as he stood idly by. Tom Brady wasted an opportunity to assert his dominance among quarterbacks, sports, and mankind in general. Instead, he joins the ranks of the cowards who failed to take the journey far enough. He turned back right at the end.
I had high hopes for Tom Brady. Perhaps there’s still hope for Floyd Mayweather.