Truth be told, I used to be massively addicted to Diet Coke – in fact, just about anything with caffeine in it – but I found Diet Coke, being cold and less bitter, was way easier to mainline when pulling all-nighters. It was my college stimulant of choice. I had no choice in the matter – Diet Coke was my vital organ – if you shot me in the Diet Coke, I’d die.
Now, I never drink soda. Now, I’m one of these annoying flipshit health nuts who lives on coffee, green tea, water, and pretty much… air. (I jest. Although, I did last 18 days water fasting once, but that’s a tale for another time.) Not much fun, I know, but I have to say I feel much better NOT hooked up to the sugar/artificial sweetener IV drip. Yeah, I still have caffeine… LOTS of caffeine (How else am I supposed to stare at a computer screen all day?!)… but trust me – you don’t want me to go without….
SO! (Ahh… she’s finally getting to the point here… bravo!) Let’s say you’re like me (god help you), and you have a party, and you buy all these mixers, including soda, because most people LIKE to mix with soda, and you need to have everything everyone else likes all the time because you’re kind of a Stepford weirdo like that, but then you end up with all this leftover Coke. What do you do with all of this leftover, flat Coke we always have laying around the house after we throw parties? Well… COCA-COLA HACKS!
There are LOTS of great Coke hacks. Let’s see…..
8. You can polish stained china with it, and that actually works! SNAP! (It removes stains… do you really want this shit in your body?)
7. If you’re Scrooge McDuck, and you are interested in defying ALL the laws of physics to take a dip in your vault of spare change, you can use Coke to clean your money and make it really shiny. (Again… you’re drinking this?!)
6. Coke removes rust! (We don’t need no stinkin’ CLR!)
5. When you take a road trip, and you end up with a windshield and headlights full of dead ass-to-ass love bugs, you can pour Coke on it, and it makes it come off easier. (Nothing gets that dead-bug-gunk to come off. Holy hell.)
4. If you have a snail or slug problem, Coke can kill them. (Biological warfare on gastropods AND your gastrointestinal tract!)
3. You can use it to strip old paint off of walls. (And as a chaser for those delicious lead paint snack chips, Bucky!)
2. If you have a bee problem, it REPELS BEES! (Probably because they’re all like, “Hell no! I am not drinking that shit!” And I’m all like, “FUCK! A TALKING BEE!”)
1. You can play SCIENCE! with your kids’ baby teeth! Some say this works, and some say it’s a crock of shit, but you can teach your kids the scientific method early by showing them how their little teeth eventually dissolve like magic over long periods of time (or not) when you leave them in a glass of Coke after they fall out of their tiny, horror-struck faces! (Who needs hydrofluoric acid to dispose of the bodies, Mr. White?! We got two liters and LOTS of time to kill!)