Disclaimer: Daniel Smith is not a writer. He doesn’t have an English degree… or drinkable water because DeKalb county broke the water main and everyone bought up bottled water the same way they do when someone mentions the “S word.” (Snow, the “S word” is snow.) What Daniel does have are “expectations” now since Max said his articles were not “total garbage” and that he should “keep it up.” He also has a final exam in CS-8803 (Operating Systems) on Thursday that he is not ready for… so he might be phoning this one in. #gradschoolproblems
Well, hello again. I’m still writing these, so at least 3 people have lost bets. It was “suggested” that I write a follow-up to Ant-Man since I did that whole history article. I did see the movie, so I thought why not. HOWEVER, a quick Google search showed many, many, MANY Ant-Man reviews out there, and I don’t want to just be some other guy who did his “Top 10 Ant-Man Moments.”
#10 It’s not a keychain.
#9 Backup, backup, backup, backup….backup.
Mr. Conductor Yellow Jacket getting decked by Thomas the Tank Engine.
See, already boring. I’ll skip to the end.
#1 “Just got my ass whooped by “El Chapulín Colorado.” #donttellcapt” – the Falcon.
Alright, now that the token top 10-ish list is out of the way, I wanted to talk about 3 characters from Ant-Man that I liked. (If you think this is bullshit, tweet @comcastroshow and let @comcastromax know that someone is writing bullshit.)
Hope van Dyne.
Evangeline Lilly is a knockout. This is a fact, proven by science. Back me up here, Neil Degrasse Tyson. And, in this film, she can really throw a punch (she was not aiming for the hand at all). She does such a great job of disliking the Hank Pym character that it is easy to forget she is playing his daughter. And she isn’t just the “Action Girl” either. She gives some measure of support to Scott when she tells him to focus on his daughter and it will be easier to control the ants, because whenever I have a problem I just get really intense and focus on something I care about and then I’m able to figure out how I can to get Vin Diesel to return my calls about “Nein Fast Nien Furious: Nuremberg Laps”… I mean, I get focused and a solution presents itself.
Hope is also a bit of a conundrum in that she seems to detest her father and she needs his approval all at once. She is angry at her dad about that time her mother went out for some cigarettes and never came back (although she mellows out when Hank tells her that her mom went to the Microverse for those cigarettes and is eternally shrinking), but she also desperately wants him to let her wear the suit. The problem is, when he says, “No,” she is not hearing what he is saying. She hears, “Honey, I know that you know the layout, have Cross’ trust, know what is at risk, understand the tech and can already control the ants… but I really think we should have this recent prison releasee that I just broke out of jail right after Baskin Robbins fired him (Baskin Robbins always finds out) wear the suit because you are just the prettiest little girl in the whole wide world and you should be next to Cross to keep him distracted and also Scott and I are famished could you please make us some sandwiches, thanks, honey.” What Hank is actually saying is, “Yes, I know you would be the best choice… but I would rather let this near-stranger who is not my precious daughter risk shrinking into oblivion rather than risk you suffer the same fate as your mother because I can hardly live with myself already and if something happened to you I might get a tank and start breaking things.” See, two totally different things.
In the end, despite her daddy issues, she manages to get everything she wanted. She finally finds out what happened to her mother AND her dear ole’ dad gives her his approval in the form of telling her, “Hey, I’ve got a safe in my safe with a Wasp suit that we are gonna fix up for you so you can go fight some crime.” Also she gets to make out with Scott. Wow, a girl with daddy issues making out with a convicted felon… not clichéish at all.
Egotistical. A little crazy. Bald. This guy was one British accent short of being the perfect villain. It’s funny – Cross has several of the same feelings towards Hank as Hope does in the beginning. He starts off being desperate for his approval. He kinds of wants to be like a son, yearning for Hank to let him in on the Ant-Man secret. But Hank is a busy man with all of the moping about, the not running his company, and the alienating of his daughter. Ain’t nobody got time for poor ole’ Cross. By the time we reach the start of the movie, Cross is angry at Hank, determined to crack the secrets himself and sell “Cross’ Miracle Shrinking Sauce” to the highest bidder (Oh! Hi there, Hydra!). He goes so far as wanting to destroy his former mentor, professionally and literally. Cross gets more and more unhinged as the movie goes on. Remember that time he shrunk someone down into a pile of goo and flushed them down the toilet? What kind of messed up whack-job does that!?! All of these things make him an enjoyable character, but I’ll tell you why I really liked him: He goes straight up GREEN GOBLIN in the end.
What started out as him trying to make billions turns into him trying to crush Ant-Man. He goes completely off the rails (thanks for that convenient explanation as to how Pym Particles can make you a little looney with continued exposure). He could have escaped, gone to #hailhydra, and rebuilt his work there. He was only obsessed with it, it could not have taken that long to recreate and he could have had his vengeance at a later date (Next time Gadget… NEXT TIME!). But no, he decides that, due to the interference of our hero, this is personal, and he is going to go
throw Peter’s girlfriend off of a bridge kill Cassandra Lang to make Scott suffer. What sells the whole climactic battle for me is the arena. This whole battle takes place in a 6 year old’s bedroom. Cross cowers in fear as Thomas the Tank Engine bears down on him. Then Thomas gets turned into a full-sized train (my 7th grade English teacher would point out that big Thomas is foreshadowing Giant Man being a thing), which made my inner child smile. In the end, despite Cross’ “freaking lasers,” Scott manages to impale him with his own glider shrink down super small and end Cross by using the Yellow Jacket suit’s regulator to crush him. It was a clean way to show what I am sure was a gruesome death.
THIS F*CKING GUY! Every time he was on screen I laughed. I have not laughed so hard since the last time Donald Trump said, well… anything. But he was so much more than comic relief. He was the real hero. Who picked Scott up from jail? Luis. Who got Scott to do the Pym heist? Luis. Who made Scott waffles after Baskin Robbins fired him? (Seriously, how does BR31 always find out?) Luis. Who goes to art shows looking to appreciate neo-cubism? Luis! And this man will not be sold short on his accomplishments. He was quick to correct everyone in that he stole not one, but TWO vending machines. Without Luis and his crew, the heist would not have worked. Oh, and let’s not forget him running into a room when guys are shooting at mini-Scott. Luis saved Scott (probably). And man oh man can he pack a punch. He pops that security guy right in the sweet spot (you know, that point in the jaw you pictured yourself hitting the bully in high school but you never did because a black eye was nowhere near as terrible as the look of disappointment on your mother’s face when you got sent to the principal’s office) and knocks him out. And then, AND THEN, he has the presence of mind to go get the guy that he probably concussed (concussed in a normal medical way, not an NFL twisted “I can still walk and I know it’s Sunday I can play” way) and dragged him out of the building before it imploded. Yeah, that building imploded – how cool was that? Anyway, the world needs more guys like Luis. Driving around in a “La Cucaracha” honking van, giving out waffles to the sad, and exacting vengeance against big vending for their stealing of tens of hundreds of dollars in those damn Doritos that don’t fall after I put in my $.75 but I can’t just buy another bag because I don’t carry around coins, it’s 2015 why is there not a card swipe on these vending machines?
Coming next week: A Brief History of the Fantastic Four in preparation of another movie that will suffer from not being part of the MCU but at least Captain America is not playing the Human Torch this time.